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Dagnell stepped in through the door of Honeyside and wiped her hand across her brow.<\/p>\n
Damn. I feel awful. Again.\u00a0 I wonder what in the world is going on.<\/em><\/p>\n Dag had felt anxious all the time, for a long time now.\u00a0 First there was the uncommonly strong reaction she had these days when she had reason to kill someone. It was one thing to defend yourself; it was something else entirely to actually enjoy the sight of their blood spilling.\u00a0 It put a strange thrill in the pit of her stomach that nothing else did, and it made her wonder about her own sanity.\u00a0 It was especially bad that she felt that way when her own husband continually stressed the need to avoid killing if at all possible.<\/p>\n But that wasn\u2019t the only reason she was anxious.\u00a0 There was Roggi.<\/p>\n She approached the alchemy table, frowning.\u00a0 Maybe she could mix up something that would settle her stomach, or at least her nerves, just a bit.\u00a0 She rifled through her ingredients box and pulled out a few things that might at least make a soothing tea, if nothing else, if she could grind them up finely enough.<\/p>\n She always tried to convince herself that there was nothing inherently wrong with being with Roggi once in awhile. That her feelings for him and their relationship with each other was something completely separate from her deep love for Brynjolf.\u00a0 She frowned.<\/p>\n That\u2019s just a pitiful excuse, Dag. You gave yourself to Brynjolf, now and forever. You promised him. He promised you. There\u2019s nothing good, or right, or excusable about what you are doing. Not at all. And you know it.<\/em><\/p>\n It didn\u2019t make matters any easier that Roggi clearly felt just as guilty about it as she did.\u00a0 He seemed down on himself all the time these days, and nothing she would say to him seemed to help. She knew there was more to it than just their being together, something he wouldn\u2019t tell her about, but all she could do was try to make him feel better the only way she knew.<\/p>\n And Brynjolf \u2013 well, he was yet another source of confusion.\u00a0 The man was so clearly overjoyed to be married to her. They went together the way she\u2019d once, as a very young woman, imagined she and Coyle would be: laughing together, loving often and well, with fire and excitement.\u00a0 They worked together perfectly, except for the uncomfortable disagreements over Maven Black-Briar and skooma. It didn\u2019t seem to matter that there was at least a decade\u2019s difference in age between them; Brynjolf had behaved like a much younger man ever since they\u2019d realized they belonged together.\u00a0 He\u2019d been lighter in spirit, showing off a perfectly mischievous sense of humor and an almost inexhaustible well of energy that amazed her. It rubs off on the others, she thought, smiling.\u00a0 They laugh at us, and they laugh with each other, and they work harder, and it\u2019s just a good place to be these days. It\u2019s not because of me, no matter what Red has to say about it. It\u2019s him.<\/p>\n But there were some days, when she returned from trips to do small jobs for Delvin or Vex, that she would catch Brynjolf watching her with a somber look and wonder does he know? Does he suspect? <\/em>And then he would take her home and make her forget all about her concerns.<\/p>\n The thing that weighed most heavily on her, though, was the Dark Brotherhood.\u00a0 It had been weeks since Astrid had extended a formal invitation to join them. Dag had been appalled, both by the invitation and by the things she had done to receive it.\u00a0 On the one hand, Grelod the Kind had richly deserved to be removed from Honorhall Orphanage by whatever means necessary.\u00a0 But the three targets in Astrid\u2019s abandoned shack \u2013 those people hadn\u2019t all deserved to die. She\u2019d just wanted to kill them.\u00a0 It had been that quiet, constant voice in her ear, the one she\u2019d heard for years, telling her to kill things, telling her that she would enjoy it.\u00a0 Telling her that there was a big target waiting for her if only she would continue listening to it.\u00a0 She had once thought the target was Mercer Frey; but the voice hadn\u2019t stopped after Mercer had met his end by his own sword.<\/p>\n The voice was familiar, but not only because it was an extension of her own voice.\u00a0 There was something else about it that she knew, and could not identify, and which she was convinced was connected with the Dark Brotherhood in some way.\u00a0 But in order to take Astrid up on that invitation, she would need to leave the Thieves Guild.\u00a0 She was sure of it. And she couldn\u2019t do that. She was the Guildmaster. She was married to the second-in-command.\u00a0 She loved all these people.<\/p>\n The stress from all of it was getting to her, though.\u00a0 She felt anxious all the time. She went from being ravenous one moment to queasy the next and recently, she\u2019d had a hard time keeping things down.\u00a0 Sometimes she\u2019d felt ill even when there was nothing in her stomach; so she would eat, hoping that would settle things, and then get sick anyway.<\/p>\n It\u2019s not rockjoint. It\u2019s not ataxia.\u00a0 It\u2019s not brown rot. I\u2019ve been to the shrines, I should have been better by now.<\/em><\/p>\n It\u2019s just the stress. <\/em><\/p>\n She decided to brew some lavender tea. Maybe it would help.\u00a0 She put the kettle on the fire and sat down at the table, watching the flames dance around the kettle\u2019s base, trying to sort out the tangled mess of thoughts dancing around in her mind.\u00a0 The water began to boil, and she rose to pour it over the lavender in the teapot.\u00a0 And as the scent rose into the room \u2013 a scent that ordinarily would have been soothing and welcome \u2013 bile rose into her throat and she dashed out the door to be sick against the wall of Honeyside, out in the garden.<\/p>\n She was panting, sweat running down her face, when she heard Brynjolf running across the wooden footbridge behind her, the sound of his movements unmistakable to her even when she couldn\u2019t see him.\u00a0 He rushed to her side.<\/p>\n \u201cAgain, lass? Do we need to take you to the healers?\u201d\u00a0 He slipped her arm around his waist and helped her rise. \u201cI\u2019m worried about you.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI don\u2019t know, Red. I\u2019ve visited the shrines. I just really don\u2019t feel well right now. I\u2019m sorry. I must be a mess.\u201d<\/p>\n She looked at him, his brilliant green eyes radiating concern, and smiled. \u201cDon\u2019t worry. I\u2019ll be fine. Thanks for helping me out, love.\u201d<\/p>\n He nodded. \u201cLet\u2019s get you back inside. I\u2019m putting you to bed.\u201d\u00a0 He moved them a few steps closer to the door.\u00a0 \u201cTo sleep, minx,\u201d he added with a grin.\u00a0 \u201cI think you\u2019re just overtired from all the travel.\u00a0 We\u2019ll deal with other issues later.\u201d<\/p>\n Dag giggled.\u00a0 \u201cI have no doubt.\u201d\u00a0 Her legs were definitely wobbly, though, and she gratefully accepted Brynjolf\u2019s help in slipping out of her leathers, and the cup of cool water and warm, damp cloth he brought her a few moments later.\u00a0 She wiped the sweat from her face and sank back into the bed with a sigh.<\/p>\n \u201cWill you be alright?\u201d Brynjolf asked, cupping the side of her face with one hand.<\/p>\n \u201cYes, but I didn\u2019t have time to fix dinner.\u201d<\/p>\n He chuckled. \u201cDon\u2019t worry about me, lass. You know I can cook.\u201d<\/p>\n In spite of feeling weak and slightly green around the edges, Dagnell grinned.\u00a0 \u201cYou most certainly can.\u201d<\/p>\n He rolled his eyes and laughed.<\/p>\n \u201cAnd you call me<\/em> insatiable. Well, rest up and later on we\u2019ll see whether that\u2019s true or not.\u201d\u00a0 He grinned and then left the room.\u00a0 She closed her eyes gratefully. It took no more than a few moments before she was asleep.<\/p>\n —<\/p>\n \u201cDag? Dagnell, sweetheart, come here. I need to talk to you.\u201d<\/p>\n Dag forced her eyes open and blinked. It was dark in the room, and she was alone. If Brynjolf had come to bed, it wasn\u2019t obvious; and he certainly wasn\u2019t there now.\u00a0 Dag slipped into her leathers and walked toward the base of the stairs.<\/p>\n \u201cHello?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cOut here, Dag.\u201d<\/p>\n It was odd. The voice was as clear to her as if the woman speaking was directly beside her, but there was nobody in the room with her.\u00a0 It was a voice that seemed familiar, somehow, but she couldn\u2019t place who its owner was no matter how she tried.\u00a0 She walked up the stairs, slowly, and looked around the first floor for any signs of life but neither Brynjolf nor anyone else was there.<\/p>\n \u201cHello?\u201d she called again.<\/p>\n \u201cOut here, Dagnell. Come outside.\u201d<\/p>\n She pushed open the door, grateful for the cool breeze that greeted her there, and stepped out onto the back deck.\u00a0 There was a woman leaning up against the railing, looking out over the lake.\u00a0 Very dark, she was, her dark brown hair pulled into a high bun atop her head.\u00a0 Dag walked toward her, curious.<\/p>\n \u201cHello? Are you the person who\u2019s been\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n She stopped short as she got close enough to see the woman\u2019s face. This was a face she remembered as clearly as though she had seen it every day in the years that intervened between the time she\u2019d been a tiny girl and now.<\/p>\n \u201cMama?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cHello, Dag. My goodness, look at you. Haven\u2019t you grown up to be a beautiful woman.\u201d<\/p>\n Dag was frozen.\u00a0 She knew this couldn\u2019t be real. Saban, the wife of Dadarh at-Jine, had died in the same attack that had taken him. Dag remembered how she had looked, lying on the ground with her throat cut, the light gone from her pale green eyes.\u00a0 And yet here she was, whole, and beautiful, and young \u2013 not much older than Dag herself.<\/p>\n Dag\u2019s eyes filled.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m dreaming, right? You\u2019re not really here, are you Mama?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYes, you\u2019re dreaming. But I\u2019m really here, in your dream.\u201d<\/p>\n Dag swallowed hard. \u201cBut why? Why now? I have dreamed about you, before, but always just little snippets of things from when I was a tiny girl and you and Da were with me.\u00a0 Why am I seeing you now?\u201d<\/p>\n Saban smiled and straightened up to face her.<\/p>\n \u201cBecause a woman needs her mother when she\u2019s about to become a mother herself. I wanted you to know that I\u2019m always watching, and I\u2019ll be happy to greet your son when he is here.\u00a0 And if you need me while you wait, I will come to you again, in a dream, just like this.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhen my\u2026.\u201d<\/p>\n Dag felt the world stop around her.<\/p>\n My son?\u00a0 Am I\u2026 pregnant?<\/em><\/p>\n Everyone had been teasing them about it, for ages. How could it be that she and Brynjolf hadn\u2019t begun a family yet? They certainly gave everyone the impression that they were trying.\u00a0 Even Tonilia and Vekel had joked about the bun in the oven at times, and they\u2019d always been wrong.\u00a0 At least she had assumed so.<\/p>\n What if they were right?<\/em><\/p>\n She tried not to panic as her mind cast back. When was the last time? The last span of moon-days had been\u2026 no, not in the last month and\u2026\u00a0\u00a0 Her mind raced frantically back through the trips she\u2019d made, to all parts of Skyrim, and it was at least two months before that she could remember, definitively.<\/p>\n Three months? Am I three months pregnant?<\/em><\/p>\n It would explain the tiredness, the sickness, and the\u2026 She blushed to think of it but she really had been the insatiable one recently, finding every excuse she could to lure Brynjolf into bed.\u00a0 He\u2019d complained, laughing, that he was an old man and was going to be completely tired out if she kept it up, and then had taken her up on every overture.<\/p>\n And then there was Roggi.<\/p>\n \u201cOh gods, no, Mama. It can\u2019t be true.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cOf course it\u2019s true, my dear girl. You are going to be a beautiful mother.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cBut I\u2019ve been\u2026 with\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n Saban tsk\u2019d, her face taking on an air of resigned sadness.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2026 know that, my dear. You\u2019ve done something you shouldn\u2019t have. Even though you care for both of them, it was wrong. You\u2019re like your father in that respect, using your body instead of your words to tell people how you feel. Some people are like that, in my experience, and it\u2019s hard on everyone, including them. Your father, well\u2026\u201d\u00a0 She shrugged. \u201cIt was his nature. I didn\u2019t like it, but I learned to live with it.\u201d<\/p>\n What? Like my father?<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cBut it doesn\u2019t matter. Your son will be half-Nord, half-Redguard, regardless of who his father is and he will be a beautiful child.\u00a0 I just know it.\u00a0 Perhaps he will look a bit like his handsome grandfather.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cHow do you know that it\u2019s a boy?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI just do, dear. Sometimes that sort of thing is clear in advance.\u201d<\/p>\n She smiled at Dag, and Dag wanted nothing more in the world at that moment than to throw herself into her long-dead mother\u2019s arms, and be comforted in the way that only a beloved mother could provide. She couldn\u2019t help herself; she started to weep.<\/p>\n \u201cMama.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cIt will be fine, Dagnell. You\u2019ll see.\u00a0 It may take some time, but it will all work out.\u00a0 I know you can handle this.\u00a0 You\u2019re strong. Just look at what you\u2019ve been able to do in spite of being on your own for most of your life.\u201d<\/p>\n Dag started to speak but her words came out between sobs. \u201cMama, I\u2019m a thief. I do bad things. I kill people. I\u2019m no good at all.\u201d<\/p>\n Saban smiled again. \u201cNow, now. None of that. You have people who care about you and look up to you and that\u2019s all the proof I need that you\u2019re a good, strong woman. You\u2019re just like your father; tough, and headstrong, and capable.\u00a0 I loved him, and I love you.\u00a0 And I will love your little one when he arrives.\u201d<\/p>\n She sighed. \u201cI wish I could really be here, to help you through this, but know that I\u2019ve watched you grow up and I\u2019ll watch you as you go through this. Go rest, Dag, now that you know what\u2019s happening to you. And take care of yourself and the wee one.\u201d<\/p>\n She started to shimmer. \u201cYou know, it doesn\u2019t matter who his father is, my sweet. They both love you and they will see to it that you\u2019re well cared for, even if they have to do it together.\u00a0 I know it.\u201d<\/p>\n She blinked out of sight.<\/p>\n \u201cMama, wait!\u201d<\/p>\n But she was gone.\u00a0 And Dag was terrified, even as the darkness of sleep closed back in around her.<\/p>\n __<\/p>\n When she woke, into the reality of Honeyside, with the sound of Brynjolf clumping about upstairs, Dag felt the icy bands of anxiety clamping down on her heart.\u00a0 She didn\u2019t want to believe what her dream had told her was the case, but as she took stock of her body she knew that it was.\u00a0 Her breasts were tender, and slightly larger.\u00a0 Her stomach, while still flat enough to defy detection, had a slight roundness to it that hadn\u2019t always been there, and gods knew that she hadn\u2019t been able to keep down enough food to account for it.\u00a0 And yes, it was true \u2013 the changes her body was undergoing had her ravenous to be touched.<\/p>\n By Stendarr.<\/em><\/p>\n It can\u2019t be. It can\u2019t be.\u00a0 What will I do?\u00a0 What if this is Roggi\u2019s child?\u00a0 What will happen to me? And to them?<\/em><\/p>\n Damn, damn, damn.<\/em><\/p>\n They can\u2019t know. Either one of them. I have to get away. I have to go. What will I do?<\/em><\/p>\n The sarcastic voice that had spoken to her for all of her adult life, the one whispering to her that was like, but not identical to, her own voice, laughed.<\/p>\n You know where you need to go. Astrid\u2019s waiting for you. And then you can kill anyone they tell you to, and get paid for it. It\u2019s perfect. All you need to do is change your appearance so that they can\u2019t find you. There is something big awaiting you with them, Dag. You need to go.<\/em><\/p>\n Dag waited until Brynjolf left the house, and then dressed and walked out of the bedroom.\u00a0 She\u2019d been frantically considering all the possible courses of action. One of them involved a visit to the alchemy station upstairs.\u00a0 She knew that it was a bit late, near the outside of the time frame in which she could safely take such a potion, but maybe, just maybe\u2026<\/p>\n She stopped, and crossed her hands before her abdomen, in the protective posture she\u2019d seen so many other pregnant women use almost automatically.<\/p>\n I can\u2019t do that. I don\u2019t know what sort of child I am carrying but I do know that he is half mine and I just\u2026 can\u2019t do it.<\/em><\/p>\n I\u2019m a horrible human being. I don\u2019t deserve either one of them, and especially not Brynjolf.\u00a0 I can\u2019t stand the thought of presenting him with a blonde child. What would it do to him? <\/em><\/p>\n And in spite of what she knew to be the case, that Brynjolf loved her to distraction, she couldn\u2019t help but remember that awful day when they\u2019d revealed Mercer\u2019s treachery to him and he\u2019d taken his anger out on her. Yes, he loved her; but what was to say that her own treachery might not be even harder for him to take? What if he lost his self-control with her again?<\/p>\n I have to go see the face-changer.<\/em><\/p>\n I can\u2019t stay here.<\/em><\/p>\n I have to go.<\/em><\/p>\n I have to go.<\/em><\/p>\n She dressed herself, and gathered up all of the money and jewels that she could safely identify as hers and not theirs<\/em>.\u00a0 She sold what few baubles she could, forcing herself to smile and joke with Bersi, and Madesi, and the others, even though her heart was pounding and bands of anxiety gripped her like claws.\u00a0 She went down to the Cistern and saw that Brynjolf was there, in the center, taking stock of the operations and answering questions. She made certain to speak to him and give him a quick peck on the cheek, and giggle at the frown Thrynn tossed in their direction.<\/p>\n \u201cYou shouldn\u2019t tease him, Red,\u201d she told him; but his eyes crinkled up into a mischievous smile and he grabbed her and kissed her hard, right there in the center of the room.<\/p>\n \u201cI can\u2019t help myself, lass,\u201d he whispered in her ear. \u201cI\u2019m an evil bastard.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cBehave,\u201d she told him, laughing, forgetting everything for just a second.\u00a0 \u201cI have to go talk to Delvin.\u201d<\/p>\n He nodded and went back to his work, and she went through the door into the Ragged Flagon and to the back side of the tavern, where Galathil the face sculptor sat reading.<\/p>\n \u201cI need to talk to you. Not here, if possible.\u201d<\/p>\n Galathil had raised an eyebrow, but nodded silently, and rose, and followed Dag into one of the more private alcoves. They talked for a long time, and Dagnell gave her a great deal of money with the promise of a great deal more.<\/p>\n That night, she watched Brynjolf working on a dagger in their smithy, and talked to him about the young Imperial man he\u2019d recruited to help with pickpocketing operations, and coaxed him into a hearty meal and a tankard of mead with something extra mixed in.\u00a0 And then she stood beside the bed watching Brynjolf sleep, and left for Riftweald Manor.<\/p>\n I have to do this.\u00a0 I have to.\u00a0 I can\u2019t stay here.<\/em><\/p>\n I have to go.<\/em><\/p>\n I have to go.<\/em><\/p>\n Dagnell stepped in through the door of Honeyside and wiped her hand across her brow. Damn. I feel awful. Again.\u00a0 I wonder what in the world is going on. Dag had felt anxious all the time, for a long time now.\u00a0 First there was the uncommonly strong reaction she had these days when she had … <\/p>\n![\"\"](\"https:\/\/baakay.com\/FanFic\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/12\/4-1-2-2.png\")
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<\/p>\nPart I: Sayma Sendu<\/a><\/div>\nPrevious<\/a> \/ Next<\/a><\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"