____<\/p>\n
It had happened earlier, as they paralleled the road toward Helgen, staying high up against the base of the mountains.<\/p>\n
They had been talking quietly, hiking along, and suddenly Dardeh had found himself with a knife in his shoulder, his armor having been pierced by the intense force of the blow. He hadn\u2019t had a chance to draw, or Shout, or even land a solid punch; but by sheer dumb luck Roggi had managed to sweep the assassin\u2019s feet out from under him and bludgeon him with the hilt of his sword while Dardeh healed himself as fast as he could.<\/p>\n
\u201cWe\u2019re going to get to the bottom of this,\u201d Roggi snarled, trussing the man up like a prize goat and tossing him against the rocks.<\/p>\n
\u201cRoggi, come on. Really. \u00a0Just\u2026 get rid of him,\u201d he said, not able to keep the exasperation out of his voice.\u00a0 He was a little surprised the man wasn\u2019t dead already. He\u2019s just one more man to kill. Kill him and get it over with.<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cNo.\u201d\u00a0 Roggi turned to look at him.\u00a0 His eyes had that dark look about them, the one that he\u2019d had in Windhelm, but edged with an odd energy, and Dardeh shuddered to see it.\u00a0 \u201cI want to know who is sending these people after you, other than the obvious.\u00a0 The obvious is that he\u2019s Dark Brotherhood, and they just do what they\u2019re paid to do, otherwise I would have asked Andante to talk to the Listener about them. \u00a0Someone had to hire him.\u00a0 I\u2019m going to find out who.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cRoggi\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNo, Dar. Don\u2019t argue with me. This is twice in just a couple of days. I\u2019m tired of you being attacked like this.\u201d<\/p>\n His voice was harsh. Threatening, like a wolf\u2019s warning growl.\u00a0 Dardeh stared at him, the hair rising on the back of his neck. I haven\u2019t ever seen him quite like this. I don\u2019t know what I could do to stop him, right now. <\/em>He just nodded his head, slowly.<\/p>\n Roggi squatted down in front of the man, waiting patiently until he woke, and started asking. Calm, his voice gentle, that soothing, honeyed baritone that Dardeh could listen to all day.<\/p>\n \u201cWe were a little quicker than you this time, sorry to say, and I have you at a bit of a disadvantage at the moment. But don\u2019t worry. We can make \u2026 an arrangement.\u201d<\/p>\n An arrangement. <\/em>\u00a0Dardeh shuddered.<\/p>\n \u201cYou give me a bit of information, I let you go, and my friend won\u2019t kill you with any of the really rather uncomfortable methods at his disposal. It\u2019ll be just as easy as can be, and we all come out on top. So tell me. Who sent you? We\u2019d really like to know. \u201d<\/p>\n The man laughed.<\/p>\n Roggi smiled, the same beautiful smile Dardeh loved, and pulled a knife from the top of his boot.<\/p>\n He really does have a knife in his boot. He said he did.<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cYou really do need to tell me.\u00a0 I know you\u2019re from the Brotherhood.\u00a0 You people really should get some less gaudy armor. Everyone knows what it is. But never mind that.\u00a0 Who hired you?\u00a0 That\u2019s all I need to know. If you tell me, well\u2026 I know people who can get word to the Listener, so that she won\u2019t punish you for failing.\u00a0 Otherwise\u2026\u201d\u00a0 He shrugged his shoulders.<\/p>\n \u201cYou must be crazy if you think I\u2019d tell you that,\u201d he said, sneering.<\/p>\n Roggi smiled again and reached out to touch the man\u2019s bound hands.\u00a0 He lifted them, just as gently as though they belonged to a child, looked them over.\u00a0 Then he licked his lips.<\/p>\n Dardeh shuddered again. \u00a0\u00a0By Talos.\u00a0 What was that all about?<\/em><\/p>\n Roggi looked up and smiled, then addressed the assassin again, still in the same soft tones.<\/p>\n \u201cLast chance.\u00a0 Who sent you?\u201d<\/p>\n The man spat at him.<\/p>\n And Roggi deftly removed the thumb from the assassin\u2019s left hand, so expertly that Dardeh barely saw him do it.<\/p>\n The assassin screamed.<\/p>\n Dardeh wanted to shout at Roggi to stop, but no sound would come. All he could do was stare in shock, his mouth open.<\/p>\n Roggi calmly tossed the assassin\u2019s thumb into the rocks, then ripped off a piece of the man\u2019s clothing and wrapped it around his hand to help slow the bleeding.\u00a0 He absently lifted his own hand to his mouth and licked off a spot of blood from his own thumb, never taking his eyes off the trembling man.<\/p>\n The assassin stopped screaming but was sobbing.<\/p>\n Dardeh stared at Roggi.\u00a0 He\u2019s enjoying this.<\/em> Just look at his eyes.<\/em> I\u2019m going to be ill.\u00a0 If I can ever move.\u00a0 <\/em><\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m sorry.\u00a0 I know it hurts, but I did give you a chance to cooperate. \u00a0I would have just taken a finger if you hadn\u2019t spat at me. Now.\u00a0 You\u2019re not going to be using that hand to wield a knife anymore, so you might as well tell me who sent you and nothing else will happen to you.\u00a0 All right? \u00a0Like I said before.\u00a0 You tell me what I need to know and you go free.\u00a0 It\u2019s just as easy as that. Otherwise\u2026 I can\u2019t promise anything.\u201d Roggi\u2019s voice was still calm, warm and soothing.<\/p>\n \u201cI don\u2019t know. I don\u2019t know who takes out my contracts, I just get the contracts.\u201d<\/p>\n Roggi shook his head and looked sad.<\/p>\n \u201cThat\u2019s not the right answer,\u201d he said.\u00a0 He ran his knife slowly down the front of the assassin\u2019s armor, cutting it open, while the man trembled visibly.\u00a0 Then he looked at him thoughtfully and made a second pass down the same cut, pressing harder, not taking his eyes off the man\u2019s face.\u00a0 A bright red line followed the knife, and the man screamed again, squirming in an effort to escape the pain.\u00a0 It hadn\u2019t been a shallow cut. He was bleeding profusely, and shaking.<\/p>\n Roggi, stop. You don\u2019t need to do this.<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cStop it. Just stop it,\u201d he cried, gasping between words, tears running down his cheeks. \u201cI don\u2019t know.\u00a0 <\/em>Don\u2019t you know how it works? The contracts are just handed out to us.\u00a0 All we know is who to kill.\u00a0 Check my pockets.\u201d<\/p>\n Roggi laughed, a sound Dardeh ordinarily found beautiful but which seemed surreally horrifying in these circumstances.<\/p>\n \u201cYou\u2019re brave, inviting me to reach into your pockets, given what I have in my hands,\u201d he said.\u00a0 But he did that, and pulled out a note.\u00a0 He skimmed it and nodded.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019ve seen this sort of note before.\u00a0 Just a name.\u00a0 The price has already been paid.\u00a0 Failure is not an option. The usual. Well, that\u2019s really too bad,\u201d he said, sighing as he rose to his feet and tossed the contract aside. \u201cI was just getting started.\u00a0 I had hoped we\u2019d enjoy a bit more conversation, but this note makes it unnecessary.\u00a0 What a shame.\u00a0 At least I can make you more comfortable now.\u201d His voice dropped to a growl. \u201cBecause now I have no use at all for you.\u201d<\/p>\n And he slit the man\u2019s throat.<\/p>\n Dardeh watched, shaking, as the man\u2019s terrorized eyes slowly went dull and his life poured out of the gaping wound on his neck.\u00a0 Roggi calmly dragged the body away from them, dumping it down the hill and behind some rocks, where the wolves would find it and take care of it.<\/p>\n He told me this was what he was.<\/em><\/p>\n He told me and I couldn\u2019t believe that it was really the truth. Not Roggi.\u00a0 <\/em><\/p>\n This can\u2019t ever happen again.<\/em><\/p>\n Dardeh finished healing his shoulder as best he could, swallowing over and over against his stomach\u2019s desire to empty itself.\u00a0 He could find no words adequate to the task of putting voice to what he was thinking, aside from this can\u2019t ever happen again<\/em>.<\/p>\n Roggi returned to him and helped him to his feet, slipping him tentative, concerned glances but not saying anything.\u00a0 Dardeh could see the looks, but refused to return them.\u00a0 I don\u2019t know what to say yet<\/em>.<\/p>\n They walked for some time without speaking in the serene, warm day, insects and birds murmuring a counterpoint to the rustling of birch and aspen leaves stirred by the sweet-smelling breeze, the sun casting dancing shadows beneath the trees.<\/p>\n \u201cDardeh?\u201d<\/p>\n Dardeh almost jumped out of his skin.\u00a0 He caught his breath and forced himself to keep walking, calmly, staring straight ahead.<\/p>\n I can\u2019t look at him because I will break if I do. I don\u2019t want it to be like this.\u00a0 I don\u2019t want Roggi to be like this.<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cYeah?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cHow\u2019s your shoulder?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cIt\u2019s fine. Well, pretty close to fine.\u00a0 It\u2019s wasn\u2019t all that bad a wound, really. \u00a0Except to the armor. He just caught me off-guard.\u201d<\/p>\n They walked a bit farther, Dardeh waiting for what he was sure had to follow. Finally Roggi cleared his throat.<\/p>\n Here it comes.<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cDar, I\u2019m sorry about that back there.\u00a0 I don\u2019t know why I thought he\u2019d tell us anything. Or could.\u00a0 I just needed to do it.\u00a0 A lot.\u00a0 The way\u2026 you need water when you\u2019re thirsty.\u201d\u00a0 He shook his head and glanced at Dardeh. \u201cI was\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhat?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThinking\u00a0 that maybe it was Ulfric who sent him. And he just had to pay.\u201d<\/p>\n Dardeh stopped walking, stared at the ground for a moment, thinking. \u00a0I know.\u00a0 I thought it too.<\/em> \u00a0Then he turned and looked Roggi in the eyes. He spoke slowly and deliberately, putting as much weight into his voice as he could.<\/p>\n \u201cListen to me. I want you to hear this.\u201d<\/p>\n Roggi nodded.<\/p>\n \u201cThat was one of the ugliest things I\u2019ve ever seen a person do.\u201d<\/p>\n Roggi\u2019s eyes widened.\u00a0 He hadn\u2019t been expecting that reaction.<\/p>\n \u201cDon\u2019t look surprised. You didn\u2019t actually think I was going to enjoy<\/em> that little show, did you? \u00a0It was ugly, and you know it was. I\u2019m also absolutely certain I didn\u2019t see a fraction of what you know how to do. It didn\u2019t last<\/em> long enough for you to have given me a good demonstration, and all you have with you is a knife.\u201d<\/p>\n Roggi\u2019s face, his eyes shifting to the side, told him all he needed to know.\u00a0 Yes, a part of him had been showing off.\u00a0 Specifically for him.\u00a0 Yes, the man Roggi had just dumped behind the rocks had been an assassin and was going to die one way or another by virtue of having failed that encounter.\u00a0 No, he hadn\u2019t needed to suffer first. And how was it that Roggi had imagined I would want that?\u00a0 Was he just trying to show me his own power, because I have so much of my own?\u00a0 <\/em><\/p>\n \u201cI don\u2019t ever want to see you do it again, and especially not on my account. Listen to me. We could have taken care of that guy in five seconds and would have been completely justified in doing so.\u00a0 But torturing him\u2026 torturing<\/em> him, Roggi. It makes me ill. Physically ill.\u201d He shook his head.\u00a0 \u201cI even hate it that I have to kill people, just defending myself. I can\u2019t even believe what I\u2019ve had to do since I left Markarth. The extent of it. Do you understand?\u201d<\/p>\n Roggi nodded.\u00a0 \u201cYeah.\u00a0 I\u2019m sorry, Dar. I didn\u2019t mean to upset you.\u201d<\/p>\n Dardeh turned away and started walking. Roggi mumbled something else that Dardeh couldn\u2019t quite make out.<\/p>\n \u201cWhat did you say?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI said that I have my tool kit with me. In the pack. I always carry it when I travel, just in case. I don\u2019t know why. Nobody\u2019s paying me to hurt people anymore. I\u2019ve been carrying the damned thing around for ten years, keeping the tools all nice and sharp.\u201d<\/p>\n Dardeh stopped cold and stared at the ground.<\/p>\n \u201cOh.\u00a0 I see.\u201d\u00a0 He has his torture tools with him.<\/em> By the Nine. <\/em>He felt lightheaded.\u00a0 He took several deep breaths until the feeling passed, and then began walking again, quietly.<\/p>\n Roggi\u2019s voice came from behind him.<\/p>\n \u201cAnd now you want me to leave, after all this. Don\u2019t you. Wouldn\u2019t blame you.\u201d<\/p>\n Dardeh threw his hands up in the air.\u00a0 \u201cDon\u2019t be a complete idiot.\u201d\u00a0 He started walking again.\u00a0 Roggi followed along in silence.<\/p>\n By Talos, Roggi. I don\u2019t ever want you to leave. I just don\u2019t want you to hurt yourself any more. I don\u2019t know what to do with you. I don\u2019t know how much longer I can do this.<\/em><\/p>\n They continued along the edge of the mountains, the rustling of fallen leaves underfoot as they walked the only sounds interrupting the beautiful day.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m sorry, Dar,\u201d his quiet voice came from behind Dardeh after a few minutes.\u00a0 \u201cI don\u2019t know what happens to me.\u00a0 I just\u2026 get lost somewhere. It\u2019s like I\u2019m standing outside myself, watching someone else do these magnificently awful things.\u00a0 Like art.\u201d<\/p>\n Dardeh sighed.\u00a0 I know, and I would do anything in the world to be able to fix it. Might as well tell him about it.<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cI know. The same sort of thing happened to me on Solstheim.\u00a0 Not exactly the same, but close enough. That\u2019s one of the reasons you didn\u2019t hear from me. I didn\u2019t even know how to describe it and I really couldn\u2019t believe it was happening.\u201d He glanced at Roggi. \u201cIt\u2019s terrifying to suddenly see a burned body in front of you and know that you did it because you got angry, but you don\u2019t remember doing it.\u201d<\/p>\n Roggi frowned.\u00a0 \u201cGods, Dar.\u00a0 I\u2019m sorry.\u00a0 I wish I didn\u2019t understand.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cDon\u2019t worry about it anymore.\u00a0 Maybe \u2026\u201d he shrugged.\u00a0 \u201cI don\u2019t know. Maybe we can help each other. \u00a0Just please, don\u2019t do it again. And help me find a good place to set up camp.\u00a0 I\u2019m exhausted.\u201d<\/p>\n ________<\/p>\n And here he was, watching Roggi cut up rabbits as though nothing unusual had ever happened.\u00a0 He was sure it would be a good stew but right at that moment he couldn\u2019t imagine eating anything.<\/p>\n He still couldn\u2019t make sense of it. How could it be that Ulfric Stormcloak could be so uplifting, could inspire such pride and dedication in men and women alike and yet see a man like Roggi who could be so easily influenced and do things to him that twisted him so badly? How could he have the natural talent to use the power of the Voice and yet so thoroughly reject Arngeir\u2019s teachings of quiet contemplation?\u00a0 I wonder if that\u2019s who Arngeir meant, he wondered, when he warned me about the use of my power. He knew it might happen to me because he\u2019d seen it before.<\/p>\n I wonder if being tortured by the Thalmor did something to Ulfric besides just hurt him physically, and that\u2019s why he hurt Roggi. Maybe he\u2019s damaged inside, too.<\/em><\/p>\n I don\u2019t think I care.<\/em><\/p>\n He also couldn\u2019t make sense of what he\u2019d seen of Roggi in the days just past.\u00a0 Roggi had always seemed \u2013 not weak, not docile, but not in any way aggressive, to Dardeh. \u00a0He had always waited for Dardeh\u2019s lead unless he\u2019d seen an attack coming first. What Dardeh had watched earlier was commanding, aggressive, cruel, and in no sense weak. It took skill to do what he\u2019d done to the man\u2019s thumb, so quickly and smoothly; and somehow he hadn\u2019t quite realized how strong Roggi really was, in spite of watching his seemingly effortless work with a greatsword.\u00a0 It was as if Roggi had shed a disguise and had stepped out of it a different man \u2013 darker, stronger, and far more skilled than he had ever let on.\u00a0 It was in some ways frightening, and in others exciting, and he didn\u2019t know what to think about the fact that he found it exciting.<\/p>\n He shook his head.\u00a0 I don\u2019t understand any of it. Too much has happened in too short a time. It\u2019s too hard.\u00a0 I\u2019m too tired. I don\u2019t even know who I am any more. This isn\u2019t where I want to be. I wish Ma would tell me what to do. Or Talos.\u00a0 It\u2019s been too long since I\u2019ve talked to him.<\/em><\/p>\n He dropped his elbows to his knees and rested his head in his hands, then sighed. He was tired, no doubt about it, tired to his bones. He was tired of the fighting, and the killing, and the politics, and people trying to kill him, and all the damned dragons, and having everyone look at him as though he was supposed to save the world.\u00a0 Alduin, prophecies, Daedra, he didn\u2019t want to deal with any of them anymore. He just wanted to find Dagnell.\u00a0 And maybe find a mine to work in, something solid, something he could put his hands to and control, and count on.\u00a0 Embershard, maybe.\u00a0 Maybe Whiterun Watch still had veins in it.\u00a0 Or one of the old mines out behind Whiterun, on the plains. Maybe he could get a bigger place than Breezehome, or make one.\u00a0 A house for him, with space for Lydia, and Lucia, and, well\u2026<\/p>\n He stood again and walked over to the fire, just watching Roggi fussing around near it, standing near him but not too near.<\/p>\n Space for you, too, Roggi. That\u2019s what I want. Gods. I\u2019ve been fighting so long. I\u2019m so tired of all of it and all I want to do is take care of you and\u2026<\/em><\/p>\n Roggi looked up and smiled.\u00a0 He straightened and turned to Dardeh, and then asked him again the same thing he\u2019d asked a hundred times before.<\/p>\n \u201cWhat can I do for you, friend?\u201d<\/p>\n To Oblivion with all of it.<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cThis.\u00a0 You can do this.\u201d<\/p>\n He put both hands behind Roggi\u2019s head and pulled him close, and kissed him with everything he\u2019d been trying to conceal for months on end; all the longing, and wanting to heal all the wounds, and the anger at what life had done to them both, and the deep, smoldering desire he\u2019d barely been able to control.\u00a0 He felt as though he was going to consume them both, and if there had been a Shout for what he was feeling he would have had no choice but to utter it at that moment.<\/p>\n Roggi stiffened. He didn\u2019t pull back; he didn\u2019t push Dardeh away, and he didn\u2019t refuse the kiss. He just froze in place.<\/p>\n It was as though someone had slapped Dardeh, waking him up.\u00a0 He dropped his hands and stepped back, confused.\u00a0 Oh no.\u00a0 What have I just done?<\/em><\/p>\n Roggi was standing stock still, his face unreadable.<\/p>\n \u201cMy gods, Roggi.\u00a0 I\u2019m\u2026 I\u2019m so sorry.\u00a0 I\u2026 Gods damn it.\u201d\u00a0 He turned and walked away past the tent, both hands up over his head, feeling as though a hagraven had sunk its long claws into his chest and was tearing his heart out inch by painful inch. I have just ruined everything, absolutely everything. What an idiot. How could I be so incredibly stupid?<\/em> His mind raced through all the time he\u2019d spent carefully concealing his feelings so that this man would not feel threatened, not be offended, not go away \u2013 and he had just ruined it with one stupid, careless act.<\/p>\n There were several long, quiet moments, punctuated only by crickets and the soft sounds of birds calling to each other in the bushes.<\/p>\n \u201cDardeh?\u201d Roggi called, from near the fire. Dardeh couldn\u2019t tell anything from his voice.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m sorry,\u201d he said quietly.\u00a0 \u201cI should never have done that.\u00a0 I had no business doing that.\u00a0 Especially not to you, Roggi, after everything you\u2019ve been through. I\u2019m just\u2026 so very sorry.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cDardeh, come back here, would you?\u201d<\/p>\n Dardeh lowered his arms and sighed.\u00a0 He looked up at the fading sky. Well, that\u2019s it then.\u00a0 He\u2019s been worried about me sending him away and now he\u2019s going to leave on his own and it\u2019s because I am an idiot who can\u2019t control himself.\u00a0 He heard quiet footsteps behind him, and in spite of that started as Roggi\u2019s warm hand rested gently on his shoulder.<\/p>\n \u201cDar. Cut it out. Turn around and look at me.\u201d It was not quite a command, but it was close.<\/p>\n He took a deep breath and turned to face Roggi.<\/p>\n Roggi was smiling at him, a small, gentle smile.<\/p>\n \u201cI want to tell you something.\u201d<\/p>\n Dardeh nodded, not trusting his voice.<\/p>\n \u201cThat\u2026 was something that I have wanted to happen. Wished for.\u201d<\/p>\n What?<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cWhat?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhy do you think I was so worried that you would send me away?\u00a0 I wanted this.\u201d<\/p>\n Roggi reached for Dardeh and pulled him close, then returned the kiss. It was gentle, and reassuring. Dardeh closed his eyes and savored both it and the feeling of Roggi\u2019s solid build underneath his hands as he rested them on Roggi\u2019s hips.<\/p>\n Talos preserve me. His mouth is so soft. He\u2019s so warm. He\u2019s perfect.<\/em> \u00a0It was quiet, and sweet, and then it wasn\u2019t; he began to feel again as though he might consume them both, his heart beginning to pound, and he felt Roggi begin to respond in kind, pulling him closer. \u00a0He stopped, pulled back reluctantly with his eyes still closed, their mouths the barest whisper apart, and said \u201cRoggi.\u201d<\/p>\n Roggi didn\u2019t let go of him. He simply slipped his mouth to the side, kissed Dardeh\u2019s cheek and nipped at his earlobe, sending a frisson of desire rippling over him.\u00a0 \u201cWhat is it, Dar?\u201d Roggi murmured next to Dardeh\u2019s ear, his voice low, carrying overtones of invitation and teasing. Dardeh caught his breath and tried hard not to moan. If nothing else happens, nothing at all, I will die happy because of these last few moments.<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cYou don\u2019t have to do this, Roggi,\u201d he said, forcing himself to open his eyes to look at Roggi\u2019s, searching for any sign that this was happening for the wrong reasons.\u00a0 \u201cYou really don\u2019t. Not after Ulfric\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n Roggi put a finger over Dardeh\u2019s mouth, interrupting, shaking his head.\u00a0 \u201cYou\u2019re right. I don\u2019t .\u00a0 And it\u2019s got nothing to do with Ulfric, thank the gods. This is about you. And me. And this.\u201d<\/p>\n He kissed Dardeh again, a lingering kiss that had Dardeh whimpering in spite of himself. Then he pulled back and smiled.<\/p>\n \u201cThere\u2019s not a single thing in this world that could make me do this against my will.\u00a0 I was just completely surprised.\u00a0 I didn\u2019t think this was even a possibility. Understand?\u201d<\/p>\n Dardeh nodded again. \u201cOh I surely do.\u201d I can\u2019t believe this is happening. Did we really both want the same thing, all this time?<\/em><\/p>\n Roggi sighed and tilted his head to the side. \u201cTell me something.\u00a0 Be honest with me. I have to know.\u201d\u00a0 He was staring at Dardeh, intently, searching. He rested his hands on Dardeh\u2019s shoulders, then ran them down his arms.<\/p>\n \u201cWhat is it?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThis is something you want, Dar? Truly? Even after what happened with that assassin? Because I know that I\u2019m\u2026 not the person you thought I was, originally. And I\u2019ll stop if you want me to. We can just drop it and move on.\u201d<\/p>\n Dardeh laughed at the absurdity of it all.\u00a0 He could easily devour the man right then and there, had wanted him with a blinding passion from the first time he\u2019d seen him and only now, after all this time, after one of the most disturbing things he\u2019d ever witnessed, he was finding out that his feelings might even be returned, at least the part of his feelings that were screaming out to be heard right then.<\/p>\n \u201cI have wanted this since the day I met you, Roggi.\u00a0 And every single second in between then and now I have wanted it more. I\u2026 don\u2019t even have words for it.\u00a0 Yes. This is something I truly, truly want.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWell, then. It seems we have something else in common.\u201d\u00a0 Roggi took Dardeh\u2019s hand and smiled again, his eyes bright with what looked to Dardeh like a fire of their own.\u00a0 \u201cCome with me. We have some things to get straightened out. And I want to do that, right now, before we waste even one more minute.\u201d He pulled Dardeh along, to the tent and inside, smiling at him the whole way, and the fire in Dardeh burned hotter and higher with every step.<\/p>\n ______<\/p>\n Dardeh hadn\u2019t realized he\u2019d fallen asleep until a sound woke him up.\u00a0 It was much later; dark, in fact.\u00a0 The fire was still bright, outside the tent.\u00a0 He sat up, rubbing his eyes, then slipped into his clothes and made his way over to the log.\u00a0 Roggi was sitting there, his hair loose, poking about the edges of the fire with a stick. He looked up at Dardeh and smiled.\u00a0 \u201cI finished dinner.\u00a0 Figured you probably needed to sleep awhile, but if you\u2019re hungry\u2026\u201d and nodded toward the cooking pot. \u201cWe\u2019re lucky nothing came and stole the meat while we were, um, busy.\u201d<\/p>\n Dardeh grinned.\u00a0 \u201cActually, I am.\u00a0 I\u2019m famished.\u201d\u00a0 He chuckled, and got himself a bowl of stew, then sat back down close to Roggi to eat it. It tasted wonderful, and he gulped at it, hot as it was.\u00a0 I feel like I haven\u2019t eaten in a year, he thought.<\/p>\n Roggi watched him, a mischievous smile playing around his mouth and his eyes.<\/p>\n \u201cUm\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n Dardeh smiled back. I love his eyes. I love his smile. I am the most fortunate man in the world.<\/em>\u00a0 \u201cWhat is it?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI don\u2019t know if you would agree but that was really, really<\/em>\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cReally fine?\u201d Dardeh grinned.\u00a0 \u201cI would most definitely agree with that.\u201d<\/p>\n Roggi chuckled. \u201cBut what I want to know is, how is it that I didn\u2019t realize\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n Dardeh almost spit out his stew, laughing.<\/p>\n \u201cI do not<\/em> know, Roggi. The times you asked me when I was going to get myself a woman and I told you probably never.\u00a0 Did it really never occur to you why I was telling you that?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNope. It really didn\u2019t. I guess I was trying too hard to put things out of my mind for it to register.\u201d<\/p>\n Dardeh chewed on another mouthful of stew, then started talking with his mouth mostly full.\u00a0 \u201cYou know, I cannot remember a single time, in my entire life, when I was even slightly interested in having a woman.\u00a0 Not one.\u00a0 I don\u2019t dislike them, or anything, but take one to bed? No. Not interested. Take Lydia, for example.\u201d\u00a0 He swallowed and grabbed a waterskin, washed the food down.\u00a0 \u201cGosh she\u2019s beautiful. She\u2019s stunning. You know. I like looking at her like\u2026 like a piece of art. And that\u2019s all there is. We could live in the same house for a hundred years and it wouldn\u2019t make any difference. I was convinced that you two were going to end up together when I was in Solstheim,\u201d he added with a grin.<\/p>\n \u201cWell that\u2019s rich, because I was convinced you were going to marry her and be the happy little family and I\u2019d be the odd man out yet again.\u201d\u00a0 Roggi grinned. \u201cStill, I\u2019ll bet you\u2019ve had your fair share of women make\u2026 attempts.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cHeh,\u201d Dardeh laughed.\u00a0 \u201cDon\u2019t you know it.\u201d<\/p>\n And then something occurred to him.<\/p>\n \u201cRoggi, what about Dagnell?\u201d\u00a0 He didn\u2019t really want to know.\u00a0 He didn\u2019t want to imagine Roggi walking away from him if they found her.\u00a0 But he needed to ask.<\/p>\n Roggi turned and looked at him, serious, for several long moments.<\/p>\n \u201cI wasn\u2019t expecting that question. Well. I will always care about your sister. She was a friend before she was anything else. If I ever see her again, she\u2019ll still be a friend. I promised I would always stand beside her if she needs me and I meant that. But things are \u2026 different now. It\u2019s not going to be like it was, if we find her. Besides, Dar, she\u2019s Bryn\u2019s wife. Not mine. I know that didn\u2019t stop me before, but\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n He looked away, out over the darkened mountainside, and was quiet for several heartbeats.\u00a0 Then he shook his head.<\/p>\n \u201cNo, that\u2019s over and done with. It was over from the moment I walked into Honeyside and saw what was happening to him, while you were in Solstheim. I don\u2019t ever want to see him hurting like that again. There\u2019s a part of me that can\u2019t forgive her for that.\u201d<\/p>\n Dardeh watched quietly.\u00a0 I don\u2019t know what to think about her.\u00a0 I want to find her, still, but I hate that she hurt him. Them.<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cI don\u2019t know what she was looking for in me. I\u2019ve spent a lot of time trying to figure it out and I just can\u2019t.\u00a0 At first I thought she just wanted to be\u2026 wanted.\u00a0 But you can\u2019t imagine how much Brynjolf loves her. That\u2019s not what it was. As to me I\u2019m pretty sure I was imagining that normal life I never got to have with Briinda. Trying to be, I don\u2019t know, an ordinary guy.\u201d<\/p>\n Dardeh frowned.\u00a0 \u201cUlfric.\u201d\u00a0 I still want to kill him.\u00a0 <\/em><\/p>\n Roggi nodded.\u00a0 \u201cUlfric, the war, all the things I had to learn to do, I\u2019m just… not an ordinary guy, Dar. Not the person everyone thinks I am. And I guess it\u2019s time for me to stop pretending otherwise. Marrying Dag wouldn\u2019t have changed it. I\u2019d still be the guy who travels with a tool kit in his pack. I\u2019ll show it to you if you want.\u201d<\/p>\n Dardeh stared at him for a long moment.\u00a0 I do want to see it. Why do I want that?<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cNot\u2026 right now,\u201d he finally managed, weakly.<\/p>\n Roggi stretched, and chuckled. \u201cI suppose I should thank Ulfric for one thing, though,\u201d he said, smirking.<\/p>\n \u201cWhat\u2019s that?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cIf not for him I\u2019d never have known what it is that I like.\u201d He shot a sideways glance at Dardeh, one full of mischief.\u00a0 Dardeh laughed.<\/p>\n \u201cUh, yeah. You were pretty clear about all that, Roggi. Trust me, I don\u2019t mind.\u201d<\/p>\n Roggi grinned at him, his eyes twinkling. \u201cSo were you.\u201d<\/p>\n Dardeh felt himself blushing, and felt foolish.\u00a0 \u201cSorry.\u201d<\/p>\n Roggi smiled.\u00a0 \u201cDon\u2019t be. I guess we\u2019ve both got a bit of fire, don\u2019t we.\u00a0 At least you don\u2019t hurt people with yours.\u201d<\/p>\n Dardeh looked away from him for a moment, frowning. Don\u2019t I? You just haven\u2019t seen it, that\u2019s all. You\u2019ve only seen the nice Nord boy, out to save the world from Alduin.\u00a0 You haven\u2019t seen the Redguard man from a family of killers, the one who holds up a dying Khajiit just to make the death a bit more painful.<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cRoggi?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhat is it?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cHow long\u2026 ?\u201d How long have we held each other at arm\u2019s length when we didn\u2019t need to?<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cTold you,\u201d Roggi said, staring into the fire. \u201cI\u2019m good at pretending. I even managed to fool myself.\u201d He sighed. \u201cI missed you so much when you were on Solstheim, but I kept telling myself it was just because it had been so nice to have a friend again.\u201d<\/p>\n He smirked.<\/p>\n \u201cUlfric saw it right away. You must have noticed.\u201d<\/p>\n Dardeh nodded.\u00a0 \u201cI did, but I thought he just meant me.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cHe looked at you and looked at me and knew exactly what was going on, even if we didn\u2019t. But that was when it all finally dawned on me.\u00a0 Standing there in front of him, and I looked at you and realized how much I wanted to be with you.\u00a0 Even if it was just going where you go.\u201d<\/p>\n He turned to Dardeh and smiled.<\/p>\n \u201cAnd that\u2019s what I want. I just want to be with you, Dar. However you want that to be. I\u2019m a mess, and I know it. If you just want a friend by your side, that\u2019s fine too. Just let me stay with you. Somehow I feel as though if I\u2019m with you I might end up being all right after all.\u201d<\/p>\n Dardeh shook his head. I have to tell him this. It\u2019s going to sound stupid but I have to. Right now. I\u2019ve been waiting forever.<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cRoggi. You need to understand this. I met you in Whiterun that day and it was just all over for me. \u00a0All over. There\u2019s no one else for me.\u201d\u00a0 He touched Roggi\u2019s face, and ran a hand through his hair, and smiled.\u00a0 \u201cAnd \u2026 I am pretty sure that\u2019s never going to change, no matter what else happens.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cAnd you never let on,\u201d Roggi said quietly.<\/p>\n \u201cI tried not to.\u00a0 I didn\u2019t want you to leave and I assumed you would if you knew.\u00a0 And I didn\u2019t want to put any kind of pressure on you.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cAnd I didn\u2019t want you to send me away.\u201d<\/p>\n Dardeh smiled. \u201cNever, my friend.\u00a0 You can stay with me as long as you want.\u201d<\/p>\n Roggi grinned.\u00a0 \u201cBe careful what you wish for, Dardeh.\u201d<\/p>\n Oh that sounds good.<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cAlways am.\u201d He put his empty bowl aside.\u00a0 \u201cAnd right now, I\u2019m wishing that we could, you know\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n Roggi grinned wider, and stood up.\u00a0 \u201cIt is kind of late, isn\u2019t it.\u00a0 Maybe we should turn in.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYeah. Maybe we should.\u201d<\/p>\n Dardeh stood and once again did the thing he\u2019d wanted more than anything in the world since that day in Whiterun.\u00a0 He slipped his arms around Roggi, pulled him close, and kissed him for a long while, under the moons, to the sounds of crickets and the crackling of the fire, before they slipped into the tent once more.<\/p>\n Dardeh passed his hand over his face and sighed.\u00a0 Finally, finally the tent was up. It had fought him all the way.\u00a0 Roggi had a fire going and the cooking pot set beside it to warm, water simmering in it for stewing the rabbits Dardeh had taken down. Dardeh plopped down onto the log he\u2019d … <\/p>\n![\"\"](\"https:\/\/baakay.com\/FanFic\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/05\/2-2-11-1.png\")
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