Roggi woke slowly the next morning and found himself alone in the room in Candlehearth Hall.\u00a0 Dardeh had already left, no doubt to confront Ulfric. He had an ungodly headache.\u00a0 His rib hurt more. His mouth felt like an unwashed chamber pot. He couldn\u2019t bring himself to rise, not quite yet. All he could do was think, and regret.<\/p>\n
I told him, didn\u2019t I.\u00a0 I sat here on the bed and got drunk and told him the very worst things about myself.\u00a0 Gods damn it. Why did I do that? Why?<\/p>\n
He\u2019s going to find a good, kind excuse to send me back to Kynesgrove for good, now, because he\u2019s a good, kind man. You need to rest, Roggi, to heal.\u00a0 Or maybe it\u2019ll be something like: it\u2019s dangerous climbing up to High Hrothgar, Roggi, we\u2019ve seen that before, and I don\u2019t want you to be at risk while you\u2019re trying to heal.\u00a0 Something.\u00a0 He\u2019ll find some excuse.<\/p>\n
Because how can he have me with him now? Of course he\u2019s going to send me away. He\u2019s the Dragonborn. He\u2019s a good man, a truly good man, and I \u2013 am not. I am a piece of dung and someone should have buried me a long time ago. And now he knows.<\/p>\n
He closed his eyes again and in spite of everything the memories came, and the thoughts came, and just like all the other times they wouldn\u2019t leave him alone.\u00a0 He would have liked to cry, or scream, or something, anything, but he had already screamed and cried and tried to make it stop, for years, and there had been nothing left but darkness \u2013 and deadness. Unfeeling, uncaring darkness. Not even sadness was left. Just\u2026deadness, and the memories that gnawed at him like skeevers gnawing at a rope.<\/p>\n
Yes, damn it all, I liked being with Ulfric. I couldn\u2019t believe that I did but I did. I craved it, the time with him. I was so scared, and appalled, the first time. And then I wasn\u2019t, and I couldn\u2019t believe it, and I didn\u2019t even know who I was any more. Gods. Ulfric, you son of a bitch, I was with Briinda and we were going to be married and I might have had a normal life if not for you. And even after we did get married you were always there, in the background, and nothing was normal, at least not for me. My sweet girl, she never knew.<\/p>\n
I hated him for what he did to us. But I wanted him all the same. He ruined me.<\/p>\n
And I told Dardeh that I did Ulfric\u2019s dirty work, too. I\u2019ve never spoken to another living soul about that part of my life except those who did the same kind of work. Gathering information no matter what it took. But now Dar knows. And nobody wants one of us around, any more than they want the executioners around. Yes, Dardeh, I\u2019m good with a lockpick. But I\u2019m also good with a knife. And embalming tools, and the rack, and all sorts of things you\u2019d rather not know about, the neat little tools wrapped up in a neat little pouch, hiding in the chest by my bed where I keep the mead while I\u2019m at home and tucked in the bottom of my pack when we\u2019re on the road. \u00a0Like I told Dag, it\u2019s an art form if you do it right and an artist needs his brushes. How could Dar want me around him, now, knowing that? Damn it.<\/p>\n
He opened his eyes and looked up at the ceiling.\u00a0 It had been so exciting at first.\u00a0 A young soldier, decent enough at fighting but with a real flair for picking locks, overhearing things, slipping quietly into a crowd, and coming away with valuable information that even a Jarl might have a hard time to find otherwise.\u00a0 Oh yes, and then when the Jarl himself sought you out because his closest advisors had taken notice of you?\u00a0 Gods that had been exciting.<\/p>\n
Work for me, Roggi. Do my bidding, Roggi.\u00a0 I\u2019ll see you raised to high places, Roggi. <\/em><\/p>\n We\u2019ll show you how to tease out the truth at the end of a sharp blade, bit by painful bit, until the person at the other end of it has no choice but to tell you what you want to know just to make it stop.\u00a0 You\u2019ll be good at that, Roggi.<\/em><\/p>\n Oh yes.<\/em> I\u2019m good at that.<\/p>\n I told Dag that I didn\u2019t recognize the man I became when the bandits killed my family. That was a lie. A flat-out lie. I knew exactly who that man was \u2013 who I was \u2013 and what I was going to do with the bandits. I\u2019ve been fighting to keep that man buried for years now. Laugh him away, drown him in mead, chip rock until I\u2019m too exhausted to lift my arms, maybe he\u2019ll disappear, and he never does no matter what I do. \u00a0Ten years. Ten years and I still can\u2019t get away from him.<\/p>\n It doesn\u2019t matter how well I look after my friends in Kynesgrove, try to help Iddra raise that idiot son of hers while Kjeld is off chasing skirts, make sure nobody bothers Dravynea just for being a Dunmer. I can try to keep the sisters safe, give them business when we need new timbers down there, keep Kjeld off them. I can go to godsforsaken Riften and rescue the head of the damned Thieves Guild because I care about him as much as I cared about his wife. Do all the good things you want, Roggi. It doesn\u2019t matter.<\/p>\n That man is still there. He may sink beneath the surface for awhile, and I think I\u2019m safe, but then when I\u2019m not expecting it I look at a knife and suddenly I see the bright red line slowly crawling across smooth skin, and hear the scream\u2026 Tell me.\u00a0 Tell me and I\u2019ll make the pain go away. Don\u2019t tell me and I\u2019ll make it worse.<\/p>\n Why am I not Ulfric\u2019s assassin, one of the others asked me once.\u00a0 You\u2019d be good at it.\u00a0 No. I wouldn\u2019t. Assassins are quiet and quick and I want to hear the pain and make it last. Why? I don\u2019t understand it. It\u2019s just how things are.<\/p>\n I thought I had it all under control again until Dag reminded me what it was like to have someone to care about.\u00a0 And to be able to feel again. Feel anything.\u00a0 Anger, pleasure, sadness, the feeling of power when I took down an opponent.\u00a0 Anything at all. And it all came rushing back. Who was I kidding.\u00a0 I was drinking myself right out of my house and into the grave trying to make it all go away. I didn\u2019t have a single thing under control. That\u2019s the only reason I knew what to do for Brynjolf. Experience. Bad experience.<\/p>\n When we walked in there yesterday I thought that if I was alone with him I would not be able to refuse Ulfric, even now. Even as much as I hate him.\u00a0 And he knew it. He could see it when he looked at me.<\/p>\n Except for one thing. Dardeh could keep me from him. He\u2019s the only person who could. Ulfric saw that, too, yesterday. He saw me look at Dar and truly recognize everything. I still can\u2019t believe I didn\u2019t see it before yesterday.\u00a0 I should have realized it when he was leaving for Solstheim and I felt so lost, or when he came back from Solstheim and I was so happy that he came to get me.\u00a0 I didn\u2019t just miss him when he was away because he\u2019s my friend.\u00a0 I don\u2019t just follow him because he\u2019s the Dragonborn.\u00a0 That\u2019s what I told them but that\u2019s not right and I didn\u2019t even realize it until that moment.\u00a0 It\u2019s so much more than that, and it should not be. \u00a0Ulfric saw that.\u00a0 I\u2019m glad Dar didn\u2019t. He\u2019d be horrified, especially now that he knows the kind of thing I used to do.<\/p>\n And now Dardeh is going to send me away. I know he is. He\u2019s the first ray of light I\u2019ve seen in a very long time, and I don\u2019t know what will happen to me if I\u2019m without him again. \u00a0It was hard enough when he went to Solstheim. I didn\u2019t realize how much I wanted to be with him until I wasn\u2019t, anymore. If I hadn\u2019t had Brynjolf to take care of, well who knows what I might have ended up doing and no doubt the wrong thing.<\/p>\n Dardeh is special. He\u2019s a good man. He is the light in the room that Dag said I was. He cares about people, and he is taking on the weight of the world for them. I want to be where he is. And\u2026 then I look at him and want more than that. By Ysmir, what is the matter with me? I never thought I\u2019d feel like that again, but I do. And I can\u2019t possibly ever tell him. Never.<\/p>\n I\u2019m sure he will end up with Lydia, and why wouldn\u2019t he? She\u2019s so beautiful. I saw how she looks at him. He even said he loves her. Lydia and a daughter, a happy family. And I\u2019ll go back to Kynesgrove and pick away at the rock for the rest of my miserable life, and go home to an empty house every night for the rest of my miserable life and probably find a way to end my miserable life before it\u2019s ready to be ended, even after all of my big words to Brynjolf and Dar.\u00a0 Just to make the pain stop.<\/p>\n You\u2019re a good man, Roggi Knot-Beard.\u00a0 You care about things. <\/em><\/p>\n Ha. I\u2019m a former interrogator who cheated on his fianc\u00e9 with Ulfric damned Stormcloak, and on his friend the head of the Thieves Guild with his wife.\u00a0 That makes me a piece of shit who doesn\u2019t deserve someone as good as the Dragonborn.\u00a0 Not in any lifetime.<\/p>\n I think Ulfric should just have killed me, yesterday.\u00a0 It would have been easy for him. It would have been the kinder thing to do.\u00a0 But that\u2019s probably exactly why he didn\u2019t do it. Sadistic son of a bitch. I need him gone.\u00a0 I need him out of my life.\u00a0 I need\u2026<\/p>\n I need Dardeh to not send me away.<\/p>\n Roggi woke slowly the next morning and found himself alone in the room in Candlehearth Hall.\u00a0 Dardeh had already left, no doubt to confront Ulfric. He had an ungodly headache.\u00a0 His rib hurt more. His mouth felt like an unwashed chamber pot. He couldn\u2019t bring himself to rise, not quite yet. All he could do … <\/p>\n